Stinky Ugly Body Parts and Classical Liberalism

 Stinky Ugly Body Parts and Classical Liberalism

    Most of us have called someone else a stinky, ugly body part (SUBP) at some point in our lives. Some of us do it daily. Classical liberals,

though, should refrain from it, and say instead that the annoying person is behaving “as if they are a SUBP.”

Almost all of us act like a SUBP at one time or another, sometimes deliberately but often unwittingly, and few deserve to be

permanently canceled for it.

    If humans truly excel at anything, it is dehumanizing other humans by word and deed. The deeds are by far the worst: live there, not here; pay this before making a living at that; educate your children in this dreadful place rather than at the better place down the street, and so forth. Actual sticks and stones may break your bones, and policy sticks may kill you, but it isn’t quite true that words can never hurt you. I’d rather be called names, though, than be forced to wear a mask on an airplane on the off chance it will prevent me from getting an illness my immune system already conquered.

    The words humans use to disparage each other range from puerile simple words, like the one referring to a female dog, to inspired phrases or strings of insults, like @#^*#*@%#&#%@!!*!. And who could forget how our valiant current leader accused two different voters of being a “lying dog-faced pony soldier”? 

    Many insults mock physical characteristics, others mental ones. Several refer to the performance of sex acts, several to sex toys, and at least one to the bag used to dispose of the fruit of an intimate feminine hygiene procedure. Often, insults are accompanied with a command to go to a metaphysical location or to perform a sex act on oneself.

    In fact, many put downs make little to no sense. In high school, the baseball coach of an opposing team repeatedly referred to me as an “abortion” even after I explained to him that an abortion is a medical procedure and that therefore “aborted fetus” would be a more credible claim. He shut up only after I popped a homer off his star pitcher son. Similarly, asserting that someone doesn’t have a legal father is downright odd, especially when the accused most assuredly does have one. Our most prominent insults accuse others of being mere body parts, and the stinkiest and ugliest body parts at that.

After all, we usually reserve “armpit” for geographical areas, not people, and nosey refers to a behavior, not the schnoz itself. Three SUBPs predominate insult discourse but most people only have two, simultaneously at least. One is not much used in the United States but remains common in other English-speaking countries, a point made by Canadian comedian Mike Myers when he played with the pronunciation of the contraction of the word “cannot” in one infamous scene.

    Apparently, allegedly vile people deserve to be called only the vilest body parts, those that humans keep hidden from others everywhere except in bedrooms, locker rooms, doctor offices, and a few beaches. But even in those places humans don’t generally flaunt these parts, the intimate details of which they reveal only to lovers and hot pizza delivery guys. That’s because SUBPs usually create negative externalities but occasionally they create positive externalities, very positive externalities.

    I jest because the whole name calling phenomenon is rather silly, a form of ad hominem attack that classical liberals should disdain. Often, one person acts like a SUBP because she or he believes the counterparty is behaving like a SUBP. Sometimes, both sides are acting like SUBPs. Other times, they are just trying to protect their own self interests, though perhaps not as effectively as they otherwise might. Often, though, neither party is acting like a SUBP, at least not consciously.

    Humans, you see, are tremendously diverse. Words and ideas that octogenarians find perfectly fine, young people find as crass as yo’ momma’s … grass. Conversely, I’ve had younger colleagues say things to me that would have seemed highly inappropriate were I not able to code switch. Sentiments often expressed in rural America seem outlandish in the city, and vice versa. Northerners might take umbrage at a Southern flag without considering how a Southerner might react to a term like the “Civil War.” And some people find it rude to be asked what their pronouns are.

    Body language cues vary a lot too, especially internationally. Some people take eye rolls much more seriously than others. Other people do not make eye contact even when telling the truth. That European woman standing a foot away from you is not being aggressive (or flirtatious), she stands a foot away from everyone. And yeah, sometimes I wave with my left hand, show off the soles of my shoes, or don’t burp at dinner, even with Arab friends. Who is the SUBP, the person who forgets or doesn’t want to follow foreign customs, or the fella who insists that he belch even though the falafel was subpar?

    Except for a few mustachioed mid-twentieth-century dictators, few people are innately evil enough to be equated with a SUBP. Most of us are just flawed human beings, incapable of behaving all the time in ways that all people will find appropriate. So don’t call them SUBPs and write them off forever as such. Instead, analyze the situation and erect a palatable solution.

    As the creators of South Park recently urged, Americans ought to cut each other some slack. Times are tough and we don’t need to behave like SUBPs by dehumanizing others by calling them a SUBP and cutting off all communication and trade with them. Let s/he who is without a SUBP cast the first aspersion.